Mapping out the path to self-love is not something that comes with a detailed route or an instruction guide.

There’s not a step by step process for how we arrive at a space of self-love. In part, because by the time we arrive at our ‘destination,’ we will discover we have further to go.

Self-love is an endless spiral, where we continue to circle deeper within, as we grow, change, and find new ways to love ourselves whole throughout our lifespan.

The other reason self-love is not a step by step process, is because self-love isn’t a set trail, it is something we need to experience in order to create the trail as we go. The more we create space to experience and grow self-love in our lives, the more our individual map will begin to shape.

So, there is no exact map.

But I do believe that as each of us goes about charting our personal experience of learning to love ourselves, there are a few landmarks most of our maps would have in common. Mile markers, sign-posts, and cairns, which help us know we are on the right path, heading in the direction of self-love.

Positive self-talk is a landmark.

Self-talk can make all the difference in whether our relationship with self blossoms or wilts. How we speak to ourselves holds the power to increase inner warmth and confidence or to chip away at our self-esteem and decrease our sense of worth.

Most of us are not taught to speak to ourselves in loving, kind ways. So, the process of learning to do so can be challenging.

However, a good place to start is by paying attention to yourself and actively trying to notice your self-speak. Try and tune in to whether it’s nourishing you or hurting you. It is only when we develop awareness around what we are saying that we can work on changing it.

We might also see Gratitude and Appreciation as common landmarks on our maps.

People who are actively learning to love themselves tend to have gratitude for the good things in their lives. They appreciate. They cherish. The take mindful moments to be thankful.

Usually the things we are most thankful for are the little things that can be easy to overlook if we don’t cultivate an eye for appreciation.

The sunrise. A good book. Apps on our phones that make our lives flow with more information and ease! Animal companions. Fresh flowers. A mug of mint tea. Time spent with a friend. The gift of breath.

If you sit down and make a list of the things that bring you joy and contentment, most of them are the in-between moments. The small things that fill each day with meaning, color, and abundance.

There’s nothing wrong with having big visions, wishes and dreams, but if we can’t take a pause at the end of the day and simply appreciate whatever simple gifts the day holds, we are missing opportunities to appreciate the good things already in our life.

There are other landmarks we would find in common on our maps.

Unpacking baggage from the past that weighs us down and keeps us from moving forwards.

Self-care practices: when we make time to do good things for ourselves, we send ourselves the message that we deserve good things.

Developing quality self-relationship skills through self-compassion, self-belief, self-empathy, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, and self-grace, to name a few.

(Side note: for a little self-love skill building, try picking one of the above “self’s” and journaling about it to see what lessons it holds for your heart and your life.)

Not all of these skills will come easily to us, but they can be built. We can strengthen any of these qualities within ourselves if we choose to exercise that particular muscle.

Which brings me to the most important mile marker on the map. This is the choice-point where some people will turn right and journey into a deeper space of self-love, while others will turn left and remain feeling lost and confused:

Application, Integration and Practice.

There are no short-cuts to learning to love ourselves. We have to create opportunities to experience shifts in our relationship with ourselves, and the only way I know to do this is to develop self-love practices which work for you.

Journaling. Art. Meditation. Saying a daily affirmation. Making time for soul-care. Talking to a professional if you have things to work through.

Finding a supportive community. Putting yourself first. Setting aside time for reflection and introspection. Setting aside time to listen to your heart.  

Sometimes our inner work can feel difficult and unglamorous, but it’s also work that can be beautiful, illuminating, and expansive. It is inner work that nobody can do for you, but you.

And that takes intention. Developing practices that keep you working those self-relationship muscles. Finding ideas on self-love that resonate with you, and then finding ways to apply those into your life.

So, let’s do that right now, real quick, before you finish this article, and scroll on to the next thing:

1.      Take a moment and think of one thing you read that resonated with you.

2.      Think about one tangible way you can apply this idea to your life.

3.      Commit to doing it today.

Maybe you write it down. Take an action step. Make a gratitude list at lunch. Say something kind to yourself. Book the self-care appointment you’ve been putting off. Or just breathe deeply.

Whatever you choose to do, know that tiny steps of intention are how we create opportunities to grow self-love in our lives. Tiny steps add up to bigger steps, and bit by bit, this is how we begin to create our personal map of self-love and become the expert guide for our uncharted self.