Book Excerpt: To See by Candlelight
This passage is a sneak peek from my upcoming book Revelations of The Sky.
To See By Candlelight
I’m trying to learn what I can in this difficult season.
The other day, I was talking to a soul sister after our workout class. She is a kindred connection who sees life through a lens of hope, and we were having an honest conversation about how our summers were going. I shared the financial pressures and unexpected breakdown that has been occurring.
I don’t remember how we arrived from Point A to Point B, which is usual for our conversations which can span great leaps in short bouts of time, but I do remember her saying (in regards, to my current circumstances):
“Well enjoy it! You’ll never be in this space again, so you might as well see what gifts it brings you!”
Her words stick, and I realize, whether or not I want to be here, I’m back in a space of diving for the light. I need to go through my current depths in order to retrieve my pearls of wisdom and truth, so I can understand my life from a higher perspective.
It’s Leo season, with fire being the element associated with Leo, and this feels an apt metaphor for life in this moment. Under summer’s hot gaze I contemplate what’s burning away in my life right now? What is left as my old ideals, ideas, and self-image refine in the fire’s flames?
What gifts of candlelight can I find to see me through this darkness of circumstance?
Life is glaringly present at the moment, which means I am glaringly present and achingly aware. It’s a painful place to be; I can’t escape myself, my emotions or my energy. Yet it is also a beautiful place to be, because my crystalline awareness is what is helping me to pick up on the subtle nuances and frequencies of energy, which help me sense spirit in clearer ways.
I don’t like my mental chatter that says I’m failing and wasted my time, so I’ve been changing it by praying that none of my efforts or energies be wasted, but used to create unexpected side doors of possibility and opportunity that will be better than I imagined. After all, the universe isn’t linear but multidimensional, which means the universe is creative enough to alchemize, upcycle, recycle, and constantly use our old ingredients to bring things into surprising form.
I realize I am doing what I set out to do on Kauai: live a more intuitive, creative, spiritual life. I have never been more in-sync with the cosmos then in this space of interdependency, receptivity, and need.
I have the gift of space and free time. My life has been decluttered of almost all my old work and obligations. I have the space to attend to myself and be present for myself in deeper ways, so I can better understand the nature of my soul and know myself in an abiding intimate way.
There are new seeds being planted within me, which I can feel taking root. I feel different internally, and I have an initial awareness something is shifting and replanting. I sense the first origins of steadfast self-respect and integrity, as I fully realize the scope of my choices and the extreme courage, I’ve shown in following my heart and trusting life’s process to this level.
At the time, these new seeds are only trickles of a dawning awareness. I do not know what they will grow into in the months to come, or how important they will become for my journey.
I do not know they are acorns who will become great oaks. I do not know many of my old roots are being severed, so these seeds have room to take root. All I know at the time is a seedling perception of their origin and an intuitive sense something will eventually be birthed.
What are these seeds you might ask?
The beginning of truly understanding the depths of my heart’s desire; old fears are being burned away which say I am not relevant, my work is not good enough, and I don’t deserve to be fully seen.
The beginning of unleashing my authentic truth; old beliefs are being burned away, which keep me from speaking my full truth for fear of rejection, alienation, or judgement.
The beginning of unshakable self-belief; old thoughts are being burned away, which keep me from fully embracing my new path and believing I have something of value to say.
The beginning of finally knowing unconditional trust; old stories are being burned away, which have kept me in an energetic holding pattern of constantly questioning if I can trust my process.
The beginning of a core affirmation of my unwavering commitment to the cause of love; my understanding of love is being transformed, refined, and purified- - so I can be taken deeper into the heart of the cosmos, the heart of spirit, and the heart of my true self.
Revelations of The Sky is the conclusion to my Lamentations Trilogy, which began with Lamentations of The Sea and was followed by Transformations of The Sun. Revelations will be out in August 2020.