Leaning into The Unknown

I declared yesterday a soul-care day.

 It’s been a while since I’ve done an extreme day of self-love, and the other day, as I was writing a list of “soul-care activities” for a course, it occurred to me that I should take my own advice and put it into practice. It’s been a long, beautiful season of outward creative flow, and the quiet pause that comes with yuletide and the cusp of a new year offers the gift of breath, reflection, and turning inwards.

So, I decided to take advantage of that slowing, and I hopped in my car and let my whims lead. I felt drawn to stop at this little antique shop I’ve been eye-balling for months. Several charming purchases later- which included one awesome, 1964 antique metal milk-crate, from a Hawaiian farm that I was thrilled to find- I headed to the Southside for a bit of lunch, sun, and magic.

After living on Kauai for a year and half, I’ve come to deeply appreciate how each side of the island has its own special eco-systems and gifts. There are flowers and trees on the southside that you won’t find anywhere else, along with yellow and white butterflies, whose presence always make me feel like something magical is about to happen.

“Always sunny in Poipu” is a catchphrase often said, because though it might be raining in the northern and eastern jungles of the island, you can almost always find a spot of sun when you drive through the tree tunnel and head towards the southern tip. Lithified cliffs and turquoise seas make it an inviting beach destination, and I sunned and watched cliff jumpers, while “best friend” (aka, the dog) lay in the shade under a giant pine tree.

Mostly I spent yesterday in reflection.

It is Winter Solstice in the Northern Hemisphere, and even in Kauai there is a decrease in light, which lends itself to introspection, taking an inner walk through my chambers of self, and turning the lights on in each room to take stock of what’s there. There’s been a great deal of reshuffling and rearranging that’s taken place. Moving to the island in 2017 was massive change, and I expected my next step and life path to form and foment quicker than what it did.

2018 turned out to be a building year. One where I’ve learned a lot about releasing expectation, developing extreme patience, showing up for myself and my dreams, and trusting in my relationship with Life in bigger ways. Mostly I’ve learned not to let somebody else’s relationship with the Universe become my relationship with the Universe.

I choose to trust. To believe. To know I’ll be supported by the innate, intelligence and creative force of Life, and I choose to root out any voices of fear and self-doubt that tell me otherwise.

I’ve learned to lean into the unknown in Kauai, and I spent quite a bit of time this last year challenging my own suppositions, lack-based beliefs, and just learning to be comfortable with not knowing. I’ve become a student all over again, and right around the time I realized how very little I actually know about the mysterious and beautiful force that is Life, I heard a voice speak clearly inside my mind, which said:

Oh good, you’re figuring it out. And now that your mind is open- you’re finally ready to teach.

So, I started a school back in August and it’s joyfully, and hard-work-fully, and delightfully consumed my days these past months. Toss in a new, professional website, and the effort it took to write all the web content, and I’ve been in go mode for weeks: I have 3 courses out, a 4th one coming in February, and I don’t know who or what I’ll be after that or what exactly my work will be.

But that’s life over here. Improvisational, fluid, creative, and free.

It’s what I signed up for coming to Kauai. Sometimes that’s been terrifying, but there is such beauty and naked vulnerability as well when I place myself in the creative flow of the mysteries and trust. Trust that if I show up each day, as best I know how, Life will meet me there and we’ll create the next step together.

For now, I’m stepping quietly into year’s end with plenty of space for rejuvenation, reflection, and releasing what has been, so I can embrace what is. And today that means simple pleasures. A run in the sun. A trip to orchid alley to pick up a few new floral friends. Something good to eat. An afternoon on Donkey Beach- the tree tunnel to the ocean makes you feel like you’re going through an enchanted portal, and the whales are out right now, so there’s a good chance one may make an appearance while we beach.

A quiet evening spent on the couch in coziness, watching movies, just being, feeling grateful under the gaze of a bright, Full Cold Moon.