Revolving Door

Change is the way of life. I try and stay open to it and let myself unform and flow and let go, though it’s not always easy and sometimes resistance creeps in at unexpected times in unexpected ways.

Our upstairs neighbors moved yesterday- we rent the downstairs of a giant home up in the hills of Kauai and they rented the upstairs.

Though we had a few intersections in the almost year we’ve been here, we weren’t close and sometimes I found their noise disruptive. So I found myself surprised by a sense of sadness and loss that I didn’t understand or expect when we watched them drive off last night.

On to a new life in a new state for a new job.

As I’ve reflected on my feelings I’ve considered that they were our first neighbors on the island, and I was used to their presence, routines, and sounds. There was a sense of pattern and familiarity to things. Sometimes there is a sense of loss when something familiar changes.

And new neighbors means new and unknown presence, routines, and sounds- and the unknown is always hard.

Also, I realized that the knowledge they were leaving, coupled with watching the movers come and go, all while empathically sensing the neighbor’s stress, sadness, and excitement, time warped me back to a year ago in Alaska when we were getting ready to move here.

All those feelings of leave-takings and goodbyes and the complete surreality of closing down Anchorage life rose up, leaving me with a soft sense of nostalgia and a wistful longing.

A longing which made me think about how when we were leaving Alaska, I was in the middle of so much change, and I believed moving here would create a new foundation and sense of stability.

Instead I have found that the new foundation is still being created and more change has come my way. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a sense of certitude in my life, I have an ongoing question of who I’ll be and what I’ll be doing as I continue going through my own personal metamorphosis.

Sometimes I wonder if I were to wander back into my old spaces in Anchorage if I would hold the new shape I’ve taken here, or if I would find myself shifting to still try and fit those old spaces. I have a feeling it would be difficult.

All spaces have energetic imprints and patterns and the longer we are in them, the stronger and deeper those pull. It can be hard to form anew when you continue to occupy the same space.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am living exactly what I signed up for- change, life transition, a new creative process, a deeper more beautiful relationship with the universe, a deeper relationship of trust with spirit.

I chose my lack of certitude- life was too well formed and well grooved in Anchorage- I needed to be an unmolded lump of clay so I could create something new.

Yet that doesn’t mean my choice hasn’t left me highly uncomfortable at times, forcing me to find stability and comfort in the middle of ongoing change.

The ocean helps with that. So does hiking my favorite mountain. The fur kids. Writing. Listening to the jungle green. Making art out of confusion. Embracing the spirit of creativity. Grounding into love and earth and Momma Kauai.

I feel a part of this island now, she gives me permission to release my old Alaskan identity and honor that former shell of self. But here is where I belong, and where I need to be for who I’m growing into.

And this island has a way of moving life along and bringing healing about- sometimes to places you didn’t even realize needed it.

Small island. Big impact. Wild change.

As such, even though I had hoped for a weekend of quiet regrouping in an empty house, I shouldn’t have been surprised that when our old neighbors left within an hour we had new ones moving in. There are movers upstairs as I write these words, thunking and clunking about.

I met the husband. He seems nice. We talked about cats and he apologized for the noise they are making. And even though somebody else lived here just yesterday and the turnaround is like a revolving door, it isn’t yesterday- it’s today. A new day with new people and new ways, and at times change quickly revolves and evolves us.

Change is life’s way. It certainly is this island’s way, and it can be sad and hard, but all we can do is embrace the flow and honor whatever feelings come up in our own waters. Knowing that the universe works in ebbs and flows and that feelings- like seasons, like life, like us– are all fluid and will always shift.

We just have to trust that when we lean into the flow, we will be taken in whatever direction we most need to go.